


i'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard

by reinacadeea



Series: i've got an elastic heart [1]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Aaron deals with the aftermath of relapsing, M/M, trigger warnings apply
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-14 15:49:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3416480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reinacadeea/pseuds/reinacadeea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Robert is never genuine. He lies and he talks and he cheats and does it over and over again, reopening old feuds for the pure pleasure of the game. He gives and owes favours like a business and he goes by any means necessary to get what he wants. He loves intrigue more than he loves being happy. Aaron knew it from the moment he entered Home Farm to rob Chrissie - and he knows it now. He keeps going back anyway.”</p><p> </p><p>Aaron navigates life after he reaches new lows.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard

**Author's Note:**

> because of a lot on complaints on tumblr that Emmerdale isn't taking precautions against possible triggers, i want you to be aware before reading this story that Aaron is clearly depressed and that some people in this story thinks it's somewhat a joke. this comes from a place of ignorance. there is however nothing too graphic and talks about the event in itself in very vague references. 
> 
> considering this was started the weekend after the wedding, i'm quite pleased how on cannon i've managed to keep the story. as of sunday the 22nd of February 2015 this story is cannon. i would love to hear your feedback.
> 
> love reinacadeea

Aaron can count on one hand the amount of people he fully trusts to have his back. Paddy springs to the forefront of his mind no matter what - but sometimes Aaron can't bear to burden him. Not with his son and wife. His mam is a flake most of the time, but he would rather bear her withering eyes than watch the disappointment in Paddy's.

Which leaves...

"No!" Aaron says and Adam sighs in indignation.

"But he would come," Adam says.

"And gloat maybe. No chance!"

Adam huffs in annoyance and Aaron tries to make sense of the last couple of hours.

On Monday, Adam received a call from a bloke in Chelsea who sells spare parts and wanted to get rid of the rest of car. On Wednesday, the two rents a larger lorry from Cain and they're off to London. On Thursday, two police officers knock on their hotel door and brings them in for questioning.

"It's going to be like this for the rest of my life, innit?" Adam says. "Go near someone criminal and we're automatically suspects."

Aaron can't argue with that. They've sat in a grey room for the last six hours, trying to decide which person to call. So far, they've ruled out everyone except Cain. Cain didn't answer, so they're back to waiting.

"Robert knows people though," Adam tries again.

"Robert can go to hell," Aaron mutters.

"But he owes you, mate. I think that's what is important here," Adam says.

"I don't care," Aaron says, remaining stubborn. Just the thought of having to stoop that low, of having another monumental thing hanging between them... Seeing Robert around Emmerdale is bad enough, with his smug business ideas and his bitter never-ending feud with Lawrence. Aaron has had about enough of Robert.

"I'll call him if ya want?" Adam says.

"Just leave it, Adam!"

The door opens to their little solitary room and the officer who questioned them steps inside. He's a stocky bloke, brown-haired and looks like one of those pretentious London types that's on the radio and telly. The ones that are always at a party and he knows all the right people. Aaron hates the sight of him already.

He introduces himself as DI Hall, though he doesn't really have the age for it. He's got two cups of coffee, which he hands the two country lads. "Sorry to leave you waiting," he says pleasantly and Aaron gives him an unimpressed look.

"I took a closer look at your records," Hall keeps on. "It says your scrapyard business was funded by a certain Mr. Robert Sugden. He's a good mate of mine, so I thought I'd give him a call to see if you were legit lads."

"You're kidding?" Adam says. "Robert has mates?"

Hall snorts. "Well, I see you've got him sussed out. He's the loyal sort, so I thought I'd give him the curtesy. He'll be around to pick you up in an hour. We're terribly sorry to have inconvenienced you."

He knows deep down that Robert is one of the only people in this world who will come for Aaron no matter what, no matter the situation. Robert has tried to prove it himself, but he does so many foolish things while doing good things that Aaron's had enough whiplash for a lifetime. He doesn't want Robert's help even if he needs it.

"See I told you," Adam says when Hall has left them alone again.

"Do one," Aaron says annoyed and Adam knows when to leave him alone.

\--

But there has been a change in their dynamic lately. Aaron feels it in the pit of his bones. He can feel his heart hammering and his eyes wandering whenever Robert is at the Woolpack or when he orders an Americano at the caf. For so long there has been bitter resentment for all the things Robert has said and done, but good things has begun to outweigh the bad. Aaron doesn't want to go back because Robert is an addiction he can't loose.

But he still wants to.

A police officer guides them outside where Robert is shaking hands with DI Hall, and they are having a laugh and it actually seems like one of the genuine laughs that Robert rarely has.

Adam gives Aaron a slap on his shoulder and Aaron suddenly realises he has stopped walking. Just watching Robert be friendly with someone else has got his blood boiling and he wants to strangle Hall and Robert... Mostly Robert.

Robert is never genuine. He lies and he talks and he cheats and does it over and over again, reopening old feuds for the pure pleasure of the game. He gives and owes favours like a business and he goes by any means necessary to get what he wants. He loves intrigue more than he loves being happy. Aaron knew it from the moment he entered Home Farm to rob Chrissie - and he knows it now. He keeps going back anyway.

Robert sees Hall's distraction and turns to see Aaron and Adam coming outside. His eyes immediately bores into Aaron's like Aaron is the only thing that really matters. He falls for it every time and every time he learns the same old lesson. Robert cares but not enough. It's never enough.

There is no Audi anymore, the fancy cars have all gone with the reveal. But Robert isn't Robert for nothing and the car parked at the curb is better than the last one Aaron saw last week. Robert works his way up one deal at the time and a car for him says it all. Aaron hates it on principle even though cars was one of their first attempts at bonding beyond agreeing where to meet up.

Aaron goes to sit in the backseat so he doesn't have to fight the urge to wrap his hand around Robert just to feel close to someone again. He wants the intimacy most of all and Robert always gave plenty without being asked.

Adam politely goes to sit in the front and even has an almost pleasant conversation with Robert about the latest weather reports as they leave London. The lorry is stuck in paperwork limbo for at least a week, so there is no need for them to stick around in the capital. But they've barely left the city and entered the northern motorway before Robert needs fuel.

He doesn't need fuel and Adam takes the hint, leaving Robert and Aaron alone in the car.

"Why didn't you call?" Robert asks and his hands are clenched onto the steering wheel. He's annoyed and angry. "I thought we were past this?"

Aaron remains silent. He doesn't want to give Robert the satisfaction of knowing that it bothers him - that Robert bothers him.

"We are better than this. We trust each other."

"It's not about trust," Aaron says bitterly. "Just because I know you'll come when I need ya, doesn't mean that I want you to come."

Since it's all come out, Robert has burned a lot of bridges, but the two of them are stronger than ever. There is so much history between them that Aaron can barely see beyond it. They know each other completely and Robert has made it completely clear to everyone that he's not interested if it's not Aaron.

But it's just another game, one Aaron fell for. They had it good in the beginning, but Aaron's keeping his distance now, even though he knows Robert is desperate to get him back. He doesn't want to end up like Chrissie, knowing what Robert is capable of but turning a blind eye because he's happy. Robert does what Robert wants and Aaron won't be played like a fool like Chrissie were... Like Katie were.

"You're poison," Aaron says truthfully. "I love you, but I can't stand the sight of ya!"

Robert punches the steering wheel and opens the car door angrily. Aaron watches him pace around in front until he finally walks around to Aaron's door. He opens it and pulls Aaron outside. Aaron resists, but the second his hands are locked onto Robert's shoulder, he can't move. Robert leans onto the side of the car, Aaron caught in the middle and for a second they just stare at each other.

A breathless moment later, Robert leans in for the kiss or maybe Aaron leans in for the kiss. It doesn't matter because the outcome remains that Aaron enjoys it and he'll savour it. He craves it. He's completely disoriented when Robert breaks it and leans his cheek against Aaron's, panting slightly into his ear.

"Okay," Aaron hears him whisper, like he's come to some sort of conclusion.

"What?" Aaron whispers back and savours the warmth of Robert's body.

"Okay," Robert says, giving Aaron one last kiss before breaking away from him. "Something has to change."

Aaron stares at him stupidly, barely understanding the words coming out of his mouth.

"I'll stay away, if you promise to call if something like is happens again?" Robert says and it looks like it's paining him to concede. "If you go to Bar West and find a new bloke, I promise to not scare him off. I'll leave him alone."

"I don't understand," Aaron says and he can barely wrap his head around what Robert is telling him. "Are you giving me space?"

"Happiness is such a strange thing, isn't it? What good is happiness when the person who makes you happy can't stand you?" Robert says and Aaron can see behind the mask and see it for what it really is.

Robert wants to make Aaron happy.

Aaron is speechless, which makes Robert taking his hand and squeezing it so much more potent. He can feel Robert's pulse racing and feel the clamminess. It's real.

\--

He doesn't sleep much and often finds himself wandering the village at midnight and in the early mornings. He can't work at the scrapyard because it's noisy, but his thoughts clutters up his dreams and sometimes the only thing to do is run until he's heaving for breath and feels the strain in his muscles. Sometimes he drives to Hotten and attends AA meetings for recovering drug addicts. Sometimes he watches Netflix.

Then there are the worst nights. He tosses and turns or he lies motionless and everything feels like a daze. Those nights are usually followed by either Adam or Chas taking turns watching him.

Paddy gets him a dog, Stub, for those times, a dog especially trained to sense his mood. It's a German Shepherd like Clyde and she sleeps in his bed, watching him with her big brown eyes. Aaron could barely stand the sight of her in the beginning, knowing what a clear sign of his weakness she is, but in the early mornings she's his only companion. He didn't know until later that she was paid for by Robert with money he at the time didn't have. None of that matters because Robert read the signs right and gave Aaron a comfort that no one else could give him.

He's tired of always being sad, of having to constantly watch who he is around and watch what could prove possible triggers. He's tired of having people walking on egg-shells around him when all he wants is quiet and peace, of people not wondering constantly if he is all right. The only positive outcome of both him, Zak and Belle all having mental disorders is having Samson and the other Dingle children checked to see if it's a hereditary thing or just social circumstances.

It's a week later since the whole London fiasco and he's gone back there to pick up the lorry from their lock-up and been told in very non-polite words that he's to wait another night, leaving him stuck there. London is too noisy, too alive, compared to little Emmerdale and even the rolling hills of France. He doesn't feel at home there and that pared with insomnia has him stalking around London, ending up in a sleazy sort of pub with a rainbow flag stuck to the front door.

It's old and proper dirty, drunks sitting at the bar playing cards and a group of uni kids in the corner laughing loudly. Aaron sits at the other end of the bar, ordering a pint, and watches the game with the bartender in silence. His mind is blessedly blank in there, filled by the background noise of people with other lives and other distractions. The bartender is a bloke with a mortgage he'll never repay and three kids that won't see him.

At least Aaron won't ever have to worry about putting kids in the mix.

Some bloke sits down beside him and Aaron is just about to say something massively unpleasant until he realises it's DI Hall that has approached him.

"You're Robert's mate," Hall says and they clink their pints in solidarity.

"This your local then?" Aaron asks. Sometimes company is better than none and he can't bear the night alone without Stub.

Hall reminds Aaron a lot about Chrissie in the sense that he's stubborn and kind, radiating a quiet strength and purpose that Aaron has always admired in her. They don't talk about important things, yet they have a meaningful conversation about why Aaron did community service and how it tied together with him coming out. It doesn't hurt anymore talking about it, especially to how little it matters in the grand scheme of things. In turn, Aaron hears about Hall's rather unconventional coming out, which is something they also cheers to.

At some point, Hall becomes Nick, they have a heated Premier League debate, Aaron wins at the dart tournament and he's found a place to spend the night.

They lie together in Nick's bed in his shitty apartment, not touching and on each side of the bed. Aaron doesn't want sex, doesn't even need it, but he does want closeness - a closeness not born out of deceit or to satisfy some craving on the side. He relishes it when Nick takes his hand and they fall asleep like that.

\--

Emmerdale is always the same, but this time Aaron returns with a cloud lifted off his shoulders and a good feeling. He sneaks off upstairs, wanting to avoid Chas seeing it and puts on running clothes.

Stub greets him at Paddy's with the excitement of faithfulness and they go for long and exciting trip through the fields. She runs by his side with a stick in her mouth, dutifully delivering it back to him so he can throw it again and again. Its repetition doesn't matter today and he loves the way his mind is quiet.

Nick calls him during his lunch break and he talks about tiresome bosses and annoying coworkers and their casual homophobia even though he's been with Scotland Yard for seven years and another three in the military. He works with organised crime and the bloke from Chelsea that was going to sell Aaron and Adam spare parts is dirtier than dirt. Nick likes gossiping and soon Aaron knows who most of Nick's department is sleeping with. It's so light and fresh that when Nick finally calls off, Aaron finds it in himself to pick up his phone and call Robert.

Robert arrives to a clearing hidden well away from prying eyes, a pack of lager in one hand and two fold-up chairs in the other.

"Nice spot," he says and Aaron agrees, taking off Stub's leash.

She runs over to sniff at Robert's hands, tail wagging, before he throws her stick that she chases after happily.

There is always so much shit between them that Aaron forgets why he even likes Robert, but sitting in the warm afternoon sun, Stub sniffing around them and Robert's easy breathing, Aaron gets a little bit of the good things back. They've never needed to talk, but they've always filled the silences easily, especially back in the beginning before all of the bad things started happening when it was just a bit of bad judgment from Aaron's side and petty revenge on Robert's. It's changed so much since then.

"Did you get the lorry back all right?" Robert asks, closing his eyes against the sun, can of beer in one hand and legs spread out before him. He's a sight.

"I came back around noon, yeah," Aaron replies and complains about traffic like normal people do.

Robert snorts and scratches Stub's ear when she leans up against his chair.

"How do you know that Hall bloke that pulled us out of lock-up?" Aaron asks after a while of listening to Robert talking about annoying clients.

Robert sighs. "A thanks would be in order."

Aaron gives him a look.

"I worked for him a bit," Robert says and looks a bit uncomfortable. "I shifted some favours and information around he needed. Turns out the police pays for that sort of thing."

"You're a rat," Aaron states surprised.

"That's ridiculous," he says incredulous. "I'm not exactly a law-abiding citizen, so having friends in good places is important."

"Organised crime thought, Robert. What are you playing at?" Aaron says, sighing.

"Money is money no matter how you get by it," Robert replies and it sounds like such a matter of fact, like Robert didn't even consider it to be a problem.

"Besides I went to school with Hall," Robert says on an off note. "He gave me a place to sleep when Chrissie threw me out."

"Oh," Aaron says surprised. He had wondered where Robert had gone the first couple of days when it all came to a head at Home Farm and Robert hadn't been very forthcoming. It does make him feel better about Nick. He actually seems like a good bloke and a mate at that.

"What?" Robert asks when Aaron doesn't say anything else.

Aaron shrugs. "It's hard picturing you with a... mate."

Robert grins that special surprised grin of his, the one that makes his eyes crinkle.

They drift back into comfortable silence until Adam calls to check up on Aaron. Chas, Adam and Paddy shifts between checking up on him. He hates it, but secretly he needs it, needs the reassurance that they still care.

Robert watches him talk to Adam with an odd look on his face. Aaron knows he gets updates from Paddy, but he doesn't know exactly what Robert is told.

"I feel like a burden," Aaron reveals and Robert looks surprised that he even spoke.

"It's not true," Robert says quickly and earnestly.

"I know it's not true," Aaron says. "It's hard to explain."

Robert shifts his chair closer to Aaron so their legs are touching and searches Aaron's face for answers.

Aaron feels uncomfortable with his intensity and wants to squirm away. He knows that Robert wants him to confide in him, wants some of that old trust back before Aaron said a final stop. Aaron doesn't want to give it back, but he has also learned through trial and error that Robert has opened up a part of himself to Aaron that only he gets to see. That secret part of Robert is the worry and guilt he feels over having been such a huge part in Aaron relapsing so spectacularly. He wants to make it better and will listen to even the smallest parts of what Aaron will tell him.

"I know I need their help," Aaron says. "It's just hard to accept."

"Acceptance is the road to recovery," Robert says and it's right out of a textbook that he must have read up on it. "It's hard watching you go through it, too. They must think so as well."

"Suppose so," Aaron shrugs.

"I wish you would let me do more," Robert says.

Aaron shakes his head no. "You're here. That's enough."

Robert knocks their knees together and Aaron looks up and they lock eyes. Robert looks serious and like he has something on his mind. He changes his mind though and sits back in his chair, shifting his eyes back towards the afternoon sky.

\--

Nick is investigating something in Manchester and calls Aaron to asks if he comes around. Or he asks if Aaron can come around to London for the weekend. Or they can meet at that conference in Leicester.

Aaron says yes every time Nick takes the time and feels special and appreciated. He might swallow an extra sleeping pill so he doesn't wake half as many times as usual. Nick's job takes a lot out of him as well and sometimes they are just awake in the middle of the night even if they are in different cities. Nick is a friend beyond anything and doesn't command anything of off Aaron. They go at it one date at a time and doesn't sleep together purely because Aaron can't find it in himself. But they do appreciate each other in such an uncomplicated way that Aaron actually feels safe around Nick in a way he doesn't around a lot of people.

"I have a depression," Aaron reveals to Nick in Leicester as they a shooting pool in a pub.

"I figured," Nick says and takes a shot like its normal and all right to come out and say it.

"What?" Aaron catches himself saying.

Nick trudges over to him and they brush their shoulders together. "My mum has a depression. Are you doing all right with it?"

"Mostly," Aaron replies surprised and feels something unfurl inside. It's normal. Nick accepts it.

"Good then. I'll still beat you at pool," Nick says.

Aaron snorts. "Dream on!"

It's fine. It's normal.

\--

"When are we meeting the new bloke?" Chas says loudly right in the middle of the Woolie and especially loud enough for Robert to hear who is having a business meeting of sorts behind Aaron.

Aaron rolls his eyes and takes the friendly jibes from Adam and Victoria.

"You're not," he says, but what he really means is 'not now'.

"Tell us something about him then!" Chas says with a wide smile.

"Well, he's not married if that's what you're asking," Aaron tells her.

"Which makes him loads better than the last one," she says.

"I can hear you, you know," Robert remarks dryly.

"I know," Chas says with a smug little smile. "I'm dead happy for you, Aaron. You deserve it."

"You do, mate," Adam chimes in.

Robert finishes his meeting and joins them at the bar with the standard dirty looks thrown his way. Fortunately, he's used to those and he never seems fazed. "Let's have an extra pint for the lucky guy then," he tells Aaron and he seems just as earnest as that day in the afternoon sun or even that day when he came and got them from Scotland Yard.

Chas gives him a suspicious look, but pours the extra pint in silence.

"This is me being a better person, right," Robert tells her. "It's honest."

"It better be," Victoria says from beside Adam who is also side-eyeing Robert.

Aaron finds the whole thing chuckle-worthy and actually has an honest-to-God laugh at Robert's put-out expression. The group seems just as startled to hear him express amusement that they collectively freeze and then nervously laugh as well. Some things in Aaron's life is unexplainable and so hard that Aaron can barely wrap his mind around it. Sitting in the pub with some of the people who care and who takes the time to either jibe or comment or say anything at all is something he can relate to. It's a safe forum.

He tells Nick about it later when he calls, not about the Robert part because from what he can piece together about the two of them, Nick was one of Robert's first forays into bisexuality and it didn't end in the most positive of ways. He tells Nick about feeling good that day, about laughing and feeling like it came from the right place and in the right setting. It felt natural, something he struggles with daily.

"I think I'm in trouble," Nick breathes out when he's patiently waited for Aaron to haltingly tell him about his day.

Aaron gestures for Stub to jump onto the bed and lies down to listen to Nick. "What kind of trouble?"

"Not like bad trouble," Nick reassures him. "It's a boss thing."

"You're not doing your job all right?" Aaron asks and strokes Stub's fur slowly. She has her nose pressed into his armpit. She's warm and lovely and just what he needs.

"It's hard sometimes just watching someone until they mess up," Nick says and explains about the man who runs a large smuggling ring in London with his former competitor. The two are thick as thieves and it's hard to find something incriminating about either of them. "I wish I could somehow manipulate a mistake out of them."

Aaron's mind flashes to Robert and what he said about working with Hall. "Don't you have people who can do that? People who work in favours?"

Nick is silent on the other end for a while. "Maybe. But that is a sort of last resort kind of thing."

"I hope you'll figure it out," Aaron says.

"Me too," Nick sighs.

Aaron wakes early the next morning, sweaty and gasping for air, Stub pushing at his face until he registers her. He takes a couple of minutes to get his bearings back and offers Stub a cuddle to still his thundering heart. She licks his cheek and he promises her a long walk.

The early mornings are getting colder and the winds more biting, but he's used to being outside most days, all year around, and takes the weather as a challenge, not an obstacle. When he makes it to the scrapyard at nine, his stomach is growling with hunger and Stub lies down for a short nab immediately.

Adam is already there, shuffling around, and he greets Aaron with a huge smile before suggesting going to the caf for brekkie. But even through all of that, Aaron can still tell it won't be a good day. He's got a weight pressing on his chest, making it hard to breathe, and he finds even talking to Adam is a struggle.

Stub brushes by his legs as they walk, watching his face with her brown eyes, and sets off Adam's worry as well, which in turn annoys Aaron because he knows - he knows - that he needs to speak up or both Chas and Paddy will come running.

"I'll be all right at the scrapyard," Adam says. "Ross is coming around."

Aaron nods, annoyed at himself and the situation. He hates that those around him has to go through hoops because he can't get himself together. He knows he is doing better, taking one day at the time, but other times it seems never-ending and like it doesn't matter. None of it matters, especially not recovery.

Stub noses at his hand and they make the slow track towards the Woolpack, Aaron putting one foot in front of the other. In the end, Stub offers her leash, which she usually carries in her mouth in the village, so she can drag him home.

Adam carries both of their weight at the scrapyard and he doesn't complain, not since he found out. Aaron finds it so hard to vest any extra energy in any of it, not the bills or the scrapping, but he knows that he doesn't really mean any of it. If he gets better... When he gets better, he'll want it to still be running. Adam should find someone better equipped to help him, like one of his other brothers, or maybe hire someone completely new.

Aaron comes to a bend at the road, stops because his vision is blurring and his head is spinning. He wants to lie down and the bend seem terribly comfy. Maybe it will stop his beating heart.

"Stop it," he mumbles at Stub who is pushing at his legs, trying to get him to move. She is barking loudly while trying to get him to move and it's all giving him an even bigger headache. He tries to tell her to stop, to keep quiet and that he knows what she's trying to do.

"Let's just sit here for a bit, Stubby," he tells her and sits down at the bend, trying to take deep breaths, like the psychologist taught him. It's not working and Stub's sitting by him worriedly while he fights with himself and everything that is pressing on his mind. It never seems to stop.

Stub suddenly leaves his side and starts barking at a noise in the distance. He vaguely registers a car coming towards him and the driver slowing down.

"Oh God, are you all right?"

It's Chrissie and suddenly Aaron is glad that it's someone he knows. It might not be the most ideal person, but at least she knows what is wrong with him.

"What do you need me to do?" She asks worriedly and she sounds like a mother.

Help me, he wants to say, but it's not what comes out of his mouth. "Leave me alone."

"Should I call someone?" She says and ignores his harsh tone of voice. "I could call Robert? No, I shouldn't. Maybe your mother is better? I'm calling Robert."

"I don't want to see him," Aaron tells her forcefully.

"I'm not giving you a choice," she says and if it wasn't because he couldn't see straight, he might have made a grab for her phone.

Robert must have been nearby, because it only takes minutes for him to drive up with his newest car and approaching Aaron with purpose. 

"Do one," Aaron grits out from his clenched teeth and pulls away from Robert who is reaching forward to touch his shoulder.

Robert snaps his fingers in front of Aaron's face, looking worried and Aaron startles away from it, the motion too sudden for his eyes to follow. He closes his eyes and vaguely hears Chrissie asking what is wrong.

"How many pills have you taken today?" Robert asks and Aaron tries to remember, tries to count beyond waking at five o'clock to when he left Adam back at the scrapyard. His silence must have been answer enough, because Robert tells Chrissie to either go or turn around, preserving some of Aaron's dignity as Robert helps him throw most of his breakfast and some of the pills up on the side of the road.

Aaron is bent over crying with Robert rubbing soothing circles on his back until he feels like he can lift his head again. Robert almost carries him to his car, places him on his side in the passenger’s seat, rolling down the seat in a more vertical position and opens the windows to fills the car with as much wind and fresh air as possible.

He feels like a child, being carted around and helped in such a fundamental way. He can't even remember how many pills he's taken and sometimes he forgets to take them at all unless someone tells him to. He hates that Chrissie saw, hates that he hates her. For months she made his life a living hell until Aaron had reached new lows and Robert finally started paying attention to the fact that Aaron had relapsed and put a stop to Chrissie and Lawrence going after Aaron as a means of revenge towards Robert. It's only recently that Chrissie can even stand to be in the same general area as Robert and now she gets to see such an intimate and horrifying part of her (nearly) ex-husband and his demented lover's relationship.

Chrissie and Robert talk to each other shortly, before Robert gets into the car.

They sit there for a bit in silence and watch Chrissie drive away.

"I asked her not to say anything," Robert says after a bit.

Aaron snorts.

"She respects your sickness," Robert says. "How could she not with what happened with Lachlan."

"I'm not her psycho son," Aaron spits out.

"Of course not," Robert says horrified then seems to bite his tongue, looking out of his side-window.

"I don't want to go to hospital," Aaron says after a while and knows that Robert wasn't planning to anyway. He might want to, but he knows that Aaron wouldn't want that, not if it isn't too serious.

Robert drives in silence towards Edna's house where he has been staying since Aaron finally threw him out. Robert carts him to his one bedroom in the back of the house, arm thrown around Aaron's waist and Stub giving Edna's dog a right fright.

Aaron looks around the room, notes the studiously clean look only broken by a pair of suits hanging outside the heavy closet. He hasn't been inside the room, mostly keeping clear of all things Robert. He's curious to see what Robert is like without Chrissie managing the decorating, the rest of his appearance and general life - and it is exactly as he thought. Robert is a man of control, always making sure every part of his life is manipulated into something he can manage. The room mirrors it completely.

Aaron stumbles onto the bed and stares at the crack on the ceiling. He can hear Robert shuffling around and almost kicks him when Robert starts taking off his shoes. He can't find the energy to even move under the covers and lets Robert manhandle him until he is completely covered, head resting on the pillow.

Robert is silent as he pulls up a chair beside the bed and opens a pack of chocolates. "Open up," he says and feeds Aaron a piece of it. Instead of taking his hand away, he strokes his fingers over Aaron's beard and urges Aaron to eat it slowly and savour it.

He drifts off after the third bit and wakes up shouting when it's dark.

Robert shoots awake from his highly uncomfortable seat on the chair and rubs his eyes.

It's such a stark contrast from the blurry edges of his nightmares to see Robert's bed hair and bleary eyes. He can't piece anything together, feels like the day has been a bad dream along with his nightmares. He remembers Chrissie and her determination and Robert being kind.

Robert is never kind, so why is Aaron lying in his bed with Stub resting by his feet and Robert sat in a chair?

"What time is it?" Aaron asks, voice hoarse from sleep.

Robert stares unseeingly at his watch until something clicks in his mind and he tells Aaron it's just after nine in the evening.

"Mum?" Aaron says.

"I wrote from your phone that you're at your new bloke's place. I gather he is called Nick?" Robert says and his voice is bitter. "He called while you slept. It’s good you didn’t change your password."

"Did you..." Aaron starts but Robert interrupts him.

"Told you I wouldn't, didn't I?"

Aaron turns away from him and pulls the covers tighter around him.

"I want you back, Aaron. Don't ask me to hide that," Robert tells him silently and with a quiet steel in his voice.

"You're poison," Aaron says.

"I'm better with you," Robert says and it's just like all the other lies. "I can take care of you - just like I did today."

Aaron sits up angrily and stares at him accusingly. "Why don't you get that you made me like this? You made me into a snivelling pathetic lovesick fool who can't even remember how many pills he's taken! Look at what I've become? How can you want any of that?"

"I knew the moment I saw the scars on your body that you were your own worst enemy," Robert says and he's calm to Aaron's anger. "At what point has this not been the case? I didn't carve the scars on your stomach."

"You had a part in this... this condition I'm in. It's on you too," Aaron says. "I don't know why I think you care sometimes. You've not got an ounce of empathy."

"I don't why I bother sometimes," Robert mumbles, standing up, and the words are out of Aaron's mouth before he can stop himself.

"Don't leave!"

He bites his tongue and tastes blood.

"Why don't you understand that I can't leave?" Robert says bitterly with his hands on the doorknob. "I tried. After the whole Chrissie thing, I was gone, out of the door and never going to look back. I made it the whole way to London and everything."

Aaron can't help his curiosity and wants Robert to finish. Not that he's ever going to say.

"You wrote me a text," Robert says and returns to the bed, sitting down beside Aaron's legs. He puts his hand on Aaron's exposed leg and slowly caresses it with his thumb.

Aaron shivers.

"I was back in your bed a day later," Robert finishes. "I can't stay away... Not when there might be a possibility. When you love someone like that..."

He looks like he looses his nerve and is reaching for words. Aaron can't help moving forward a little, once again drawn by the sheer magnetism of their attraction to each other.

"You have to take the good with the bad," Robert finally gets out. "You understand that."

"Yeah," Aaron says with a sad smile.

\--

Something changes after that. There is only way when he's stood puking his guts out on the side of the road with his once male lover and said male lover's ex-wife and that is up.

He goes to see his godson more, walks less and often asks if Adam or Robert wants to go for a run instead of being by himself. He even accepts his mum's invitation to go see a movie in Hotten one night. He's not better. He's found purpose though to get through the harder days and finds renewed energy to talk more. He doesn’t just sit in a corner anymore, silent and stoic, and pretending like he wants it that way. 

He leaves Stub in Robert's willing hands one weekend and tracks to London to accept another invitation from Nick. Nick takes him to his brother's football match and they have a good spy on an underground gambling pit that's possibly a new case for Nick and his mates at the Yard.

It's interesting watching criminals from Nick's perspective and the fact that the police aren't as completely stupid as Cain and Charity makes them out to be. Nick's life is a weird mix between work and pleasure, always finding something that makes him feel good and when Aaron asks why he would hang around someone with a depression, Nick says almost the exact same thing that Jackson did way back when.

On Saturday, Aaron wakes up slowly on Nick's sofa. He gets up, following the snores, and wakes up Nick with a kiss.

Nick stares at him blearily, morning wood there and accounted for, and for the first time since Aaron properly relapsed, he has sex. It's drawn out and slow, bodies moving together causing friction in such a human way that when he comes, he feels relief instead of guilt.

Nick offers him a cigarette when they've caught their breath and they chill about with the Premiere League for most of the day until they have to get up to get something to eat. Aaron rediscovers himself that day, all the nooks and corners covered with dust because he couldn't even contemplate it. He responds under Nick's fingers and finds himself doing the same to Nick. They discover each other, but most of all Aaron finds it in himself to inhabit his own body - something he finds the hardest of it all.

"It's a shame you live so far away," Nick says regretfully on Sunday a couple of hours before Aaron has to leave. They are lying naked in Nick's bed, watching some mindless action flick on Itv2, after having come home from breakfast at Nick's local caf.

"Can't really help that," Aaron says. "I've got a business there and everything."

Nick sighs. "I finally find a decent bloke and he's unmovable as they come. I hate that."

Aaron snorts and gestures to where Nick's phone is vibrating facedown on the bed.

Nick picks it up and announces very loudly the name Aaron dreads. "Hiya, Robert Sugden. Have you changed your mind? What? You're in London? Now?" He gets ups hurriedly and a sense of dread begins in Aaron's stomach.

The doorbell rings just as the thought registers in Aaron's mind that rubbing Robert's face in his and Nick's relationship might not be the best solution to... well anything. He just about throws on a shirt before Nick opens the door wide open to his very wide open one bedroom apartment.

Robert's face goes through a very interesting range of emotions that ends in an outraged scowl.

"I can explain," Aaron says and pulls on his trousers.

"I don't think any is needed," Robert says, voice tight.

"Don't be a muppet, Robert," Aaron says annoyed and steps forward. "You told me you would back off."

"Am I missing something?" Nick asks confused.

"I didn't mean it!" Robert nearly shouts. "Especially if it's him."

Aaron closes his eyes and tries to imagine a scenario where his life doesn't always end up with a shouting match.

"And you," Robert says and turns his rage towards Nick instead. "Why would you go after him of all people?"

"I haven't got a clue what I've done wrong?" Nick says confounded and what looks like the beginning of an annoyance.

Aaron grabs onto Robert's sleeve to keep him from hitting one of his best mates and turns him away from Nick. "Look at me!" He says sternly and he has to watch Robert work with himself before he can look Aaron in the eye. "I had to leave you, Robert, for me and because of what we had become. It wasn't good."

"It was better," Robert says quietly and tries to avoid Aaron's eyes.

"Nick has been good for me," Aaron tells him and they stare at each other for a long while.

"So, Aaron is the person who broke up your marriage," Nick comments some fifteen minutes later over a brew and biscuits.

"I broke up my marriage," Robert sighs and two months ago Aaron wouldn't have heard him utter those words.

"It's complicated," Aaron says guiltily.

"I'll say," Nick remarks with a decent grin on his face. "I don't think I've ever actually seen you jealous, Rob. Lord knows I've tried to get it out of ya."

Robert doesn't look impressed and instead keeps silent.

"Where is my dog?" Aaron asks, trying to break some of the tension.

"Paddy's," Robert replies. "She was restless."

"Bit like you then," Aaron mumbles and Nick snorts. "Wait, why are you here?"

Aaron remembers a conversation many moons ago where Robert in an attempt to stay in Aaron's good books had tried to lie to him directly, how his shoulders went up and his voice broke in a certain way. His eyes flickered and Aaron could just tell.

"I fancied some company, what else?" Robert lies and suddenly Nick looks highly uncomfortable.

"Are you bleeding kidding me?" Aaron says, voice rising in anger. "You're not getting involved!"

"I'm not involved in anything!" Robert says defensively.

"How stupid do you think I am? Just when I think we've turned a corner, you turn back around - because what, you're bored?" Aaron shouts and Robert actually covers. "Is the village life not good enough for ya? Did your feud with Lawrence get old?"

"I really need his help, Aaron," Nick says trying to mediate.

"It's not about you!" Aaron shouts at him and pushes out of the chair.

"I need the money," Robert says.

"There is more to life than money!"

"I need money to keep the scrapyard running, the footy team, Andy's debts... God, Aaron, I need money to pay your dog," Robert says and he sounds honestly devastated.

The fight leaves Aaron and he sits down again. He forgets sometimes that they are a team and that when one of them falls off the other picks up the slack. Adam has probably gone to Robert to help keep the scrapyard running, not wanting to burden Aaron with the worry.

"I didn't know about Stub," Aaron says because it's the only thing he can focus on. He can't loose her, not when she's sometimes the only thing that gets him out of bed.

"You weren't meant to know about Stub," Robert sighs.

"I don't want to know about any of it it," Aaron says after having gone through all the options in his mind. Robert must be good at whatever Nick asks of him, otherwise he wouldn't have called Robert all the way down from Emmerdale. He has to trust that Nick knows what he is doing. "I'm going to have a pint in the pub around the corner and when you're done sorting it out, you can join me there."

They both nod their consent and Aaron leaves.

\--

It weighs on his mind, Robert not managing to get enough money for Stub or the scrapyard. So he has a talk with Adam about how bad it really is and they make a collective effort to help themselves and Robert.

Paddy looks devastated when Aaron reveals he knows Stub might be taken away.

"She's a highly specialised dog," Paddy says. "Robert did say he had to pay a lot of money. I think Stub was meant to go to someone else and he had to step in... You know in that special way of his."

"So someone else might've died because Robert decided I had it worse?" Aaron snaps.

"Don't you dare go about blaming Robert," Paddy snaps right back. "It was all his idea as well and he didn't want any of the credit."

"And that makes it all right?" Aaron says.

"Maybe I'm selfish as well, because I love you, and that dog saved your life," Paddy says. "Maybe we are all selfish because we love you."

Aaron sighs and they drink their pints in silence until Paddy has to go back to work.

He hasn't spoken to Nick in days, leaving with Robert from London and not returning Nick's calls. Maybe they are apologies or explanations or maybe he's calling just to curse Aaron's name.

Robert packed a bag in Emmerdale, dropped off Aaron and returned to whatever job Nick has given him. He texts Aaron every day, though Aaron hasn't asked for it. But Robert knows. Robert always knows.

Aaron can tell he's better by the way Stub leaves his side and sniffs around the scrapyard, chasing mice and rats with her tail wagging happily. He can't imagine his life without her constant support and the thought of her being taken away makes his hands shake. He has to put faith in Robert and even though a part of him doesn't trust Robert as far as he can throw him, Robert has stepped up his game recently. He might not like Robert playing with fire, but he also knows that the thrill is something Robert craves and playing the high-stake game is something he is good at.

"You know that bloke I've been seeing," Aaron asks Adam when they're taking five minutes.

Adam looks surprised. "Nick or something, right?"

"Yeah," Aaron says.

"What about him?" Adam asks curiously.

"We had sex," Aaron gets out. He needs to talk to someone about it, need to tell someone how completely monumental that is. Adam is the first that came to his mind.

"That's a big deal, innit?" Adam says cautiously but with a tiny understanding smile.

Aaron nods satisfied.

"Was it good?" Adam asks and then looks completely horrified at his own words. "Can I even ask that? Forget I said anything."

Aaron laughs. "No, I think I want to talk about it... to you. I think I want to tell you."

Adam breaks out into a gigantic smile. "Yes mate! You pulled! I'm happy for ya."

"It was about more than that," Aaron says and looks at Adam, who is giving him an understanding smile. Adam knows. "I think I might be a bit more me again."

"What do you mean?"

"It's like I've been disconnected or dream-watching myself like. I wasn't living though - just existing," Aaron explains.

"It's about small steps, right? That's what they all say," Adam says. "Aaron, it's brilliant. When can I meet him? The bloke?"

Aaron shrugs. "You remember that mate of Robert? That DI that let us out that time in London?"

"You didn't?"

Aaron nodded yes.

"Does Robert know? I can't imagine he's pleased with that?"

"He's not," Aaron says. "I think maybe he understands a bit, that it's nothing to do with him."

"I think you underestimate him," Adam says meaningfully. "You weren't there when he laid into Lawrence about leaving you alone. He was scary."

"I think you underestimate exactly how well I know Robert," Aaron says. "Nick was good, but I think we're finished now."

"Why? Because he's too nice? Because he's not a manipulative arsehole like Robert?"

Aaron doesn't reply and that is in itself is answer enough. "Let's just get back to work."

Adam doesn't understand so many things about Aaron's relationship with Robert and how it goes beyond just the bigger spectacles of their love affair, the public fights or Chrissie finding out. It's much deeper than that and even though they hate each other more than they love each other sometimes, it's still not something Aaron can let go off.

They resume work with Adam making an effort to tease Aaron as much as possible, glossing over the whole Robert part. That part feels normal and Aaron relaxes.

\--

Quite randomly, he runs into Chrissie at a Salisbury's in Hotten. They stare awkwardly at each other for a moment, until Aaron gets out an apology and turns to leave.

"No, Aaron, wait a moment," she calls after him.

He stops and turns back to face her. "Do you want something?" he asks.

"Can we have a chat?" She says tentatively.

Aaron worries his bottom lip and shakes his head no. "I don't think..."

"I'll buy you a coffee?" She says, her big brown eyes and Aaron's guilt making for a convincing argument.

He doesn't let her buy the coffees - because he's actually got manners, thanks very much - and they sit down in a cafeteria across from the store. Despite himself, he's always liked Chrissie. She's supposed to be the villain in his and Robert's love affair, but it's never that simple and in the end the only victim is her.

She never let Robert's betrayal define her and she came out thrice as strong, unlike Aaron who completely fell apart. She's stronger than him, which still baffles Aaron because why would anyone pick Aaron over her.

His phone vibrates on the table, showing a text from Robert saying he's okay. He reaches out to turn his phone around. She doesn't need it in her face, Aaron can at least give her that curtesy.

"You don't need to protect me," she says. "It makes me feel better actually, knowing I just wasn't enough."

"That's terrible," Aaron says horrified.

"It is true and you know it better than anyone," she says with determination. "I am happy you're making him work for it, though."

He snorts in amusement. "I always made him work for it, don't ever doubt that."

"We had a chat about you, Robert and I, back when all of it was still fresh," she says. "I suppose I wanted to understand what made you so special. He said that you could tell his lies by a look and that's what made him sink to a place where he couldn't go back. It makes sense, I suppose."

"Chrissie, can I tell you something?" Aaron says softly and she looks surprised. "That day Lachlan overdosed with the drugs he gave Belle... Robert was with me. That one never set right by me, keeping it a secret."

"Why are you telling me this?" she says looking hurt.

"I ended it, told him he was a selfish arsehole and I think at that second we could have stopped and nobody would have gotten hurt," he says and he thinks about Katie at the farm, her dead unseeing eyes following him around as he covered Robert's tracks. He wishes he could say it was his lowest point. "Things started to go bad after that, so I'm sorry about the hurt I caused ya. I never meant for it to go that far."

Chrissie give him a long hard look, cogs turning behind her eyes, figuring him out. "There was another man once, before Robert," she says slowly. "He was kind and loyal and my dad loved him, so of course I was bored to tears."

"You're joking," Aaron says amused and she smiles back.

"I thought that would be my destiny, little old me with a boring man by my side," she keeps on. "Robert gave me so much passion. We always fought and I actually enjoyed him being so selfish. It was refreshing, I think. Does that make me sound awful?"

"I can't judge exactly," Aaron remarks.

She grins back. "I suppose Robert found his Robert if you know what I mean. I sure hope you give him hell, because I've never seen him be so invested in anyone. He'll love you right, if you keep him guessing."

"I know," Aaron says and he understand exactly what she's trying to say. "He already does."

"I saw you together that time by the road and I finally understood," she says. "Thank you."

He gives her a tentative smile.

"I overheard you and the veterinarian talking in the pub," she says guiltily and opens her purse, pulling a couple of hundred pound notes out. "I really like your dog. It would be a shame to see her go."

"I can't take those," Aaron tells her, but she insists.

"It's a peace offering," she tells him. "Robert needs you and maybe you can end this endless war he's waging with my father. We all live in the same village, you know."

They have another coffee for the sake of no more bloodshed and she asks him if he really trashed Robert's sidemirrors, to which they have a good laugh.

They end the whole thing on a better note and when he calls Robert to say he found the money to pay off Stub, he orders him in no specific terms to lay off Lawrence. Robert is understandably confused, but keeps mum after Aaron explains everything Chrissie and him talked about.

The village settles into a calm after that with Robert out of town. With him not having anything to say to anything, Lawrence has nothing to react to and Chrissie sweet-talks him into helping the scrapyard, which finally turns its profit into something positive that doesn’t leave Adam with a permanent frown on his face.

In return, Aaron and Adam does a bit of handiwork for free on Home Farm. It's all very civilised and also very good business. Aaron sleeps nearly whole nights, only waking occasionally and the excess depression he is too occupied to be properly focused on. Life is a lot better when money is behind you.

Robert hates it and nearly blows whatever he is doing in London to come back and cause hell. Aaron doesn't let him, saying it's better the way it is currently. To up ease Robert, Aaron voluntarily offers up information about how he is doing and his days, something he knows Robert desperately wants. It feels like tables have turned and Robert remarks on it, but he doesn't seem all that sad about it.

"I'm honestly baffled by you sometimes," he informs Aaron one night over the phone.

Aaron snorts in amusement and tells Robert about the latest village gossip.

\--

It's in the middle of the night when Aaron is startled awake by his phone ringing loudly. Stub stirs at his feet and he makes a grab for it.

It's Robert.

"It's dead late," Aaron says annoyed.

"I need you to come," Robert says and his voice is wrecked.

"What's happened?" Aaron says and instantly gets up, Stub following his movements.

"Please," Robert says brokenly.

"Give me a couple of hours."

He drives faster than he should, but nobody is on the roads and he wouldn't have cared anyway. His body pumps adrenalin and his heartbeat is skyrocketing. Stub sleeps on the backseat and he loves that he's not alone.

He reaches the address Robert texted him in the early hours of the morning and he assesses the abandoned-looking garage from his car. Stub shuffles uneasily in the backseat, completely mirroring what he feels.

"I'll have to do this without ya, Stub," he tells her and opens the car windows just enough so she can breathe in fresh air and gets out.

Someone must have heard the noise from his car, because the garage door opens and a speck of light illuminates where they want Aaron to go. He walks slowly and carefully, watching out for any sudden movements.

"You Aaron?"

Aaron startles and looks to his left where a tall brown-haired middle-aged bloke is leaning against the wall. His knuckles are bloody. "Depends on who is asking."

"Follow me," the bloke says and Aaron follows.

Robert sits in a corner, eyes swollen shut and lips bloody. He twitches when he hears them coming and if Aaron is not mistaking, he flinches in fear.

"What have you done to him?" Aaron asks and he feels frozen on the spot.

"That's what happens when you lie to me," the bloke says and it chills Aaron to the bone.

He sees Robert reacting to his voice and it settles him somewhat. At least he's still conscious. "What did he lie about?"

"I don't trust a great many people," the bloke says. "I especially don't trust a bloke who tells me he's gay and then I find out he's got a wife. If he can't get that straight, what other stuff is he lying about?"

"Why am I here then?" Aaron says. "It seems like you've already decided he's been lying about everything."

The bloke steps closer to him, giving him a once-over top to toe. "Prove me wrong."

Aaron hesitates and quickly goes over what exactly to tell him. "He kissed me on his wedding day."

The bloke takes a step back surprised.

"He might still be married to a lady, but it's in law only," Aaron says. "He loves me."

"Murphy," Robert croaks from his spot on the floor. "Please."

Aaron echoes the sentiment and he watches conflicting emotions pass over Murphy’s face. In the end, Murphy leaves and Aaron can hear the distant sound of a car starting and driving off. His knees buckle and he crawls towards Robert, who pants heavily in relief and maybe in shock. He touches Robert's face tenderly and tries to assess the extent of the injuries and how serious they are.

Robert watches him, tears running over the bloody and broken skin around his eyes.

Aaron has be the strong one now, so he gets up, forces his legs to work, and pulls Robert up. He feels Robert shaking and pulls his arm around his shoulder so he can lean on Aaron. They track through the garage slowly, making little stops on the way. 

“Just a little longer,” Aaron says and his voice is shaking too. The moment Stub sees them, she starts barking and he has to shush her. He doesn’t want anyone to come around snooping. Having the coppers around isn’t going to help Robert and whatever vendetta the bloke Murphy has for him. 

He props Robert against the car and opens the passenger’s side door and with a bit of struggle gets Robert inside. Robert groans in pain and Aaron has to force himself to not flinch away. Robert needs him. 

He feels like he’s just arrived in the city and he’s already leaving it to go the same way back. This time it’s morning though and he gets stuck in morning traffic with him constantly having to make sure Robert doesn’t doze off. He might have a brain injury and he really should be in hospital, but the only thing Aaron can think about is getting Robert as far away from Murphy as possible. 

He admits Robert at Hotten’s hospital and tells the personal they got mugged and when Robert wouldn’t give them his money, they beat him senseless while Aaron had to watch. The police will ask less questions about the bruises and think it a senseless crime. Aaron sends a short but descriptive message to Nick explaining what exactly happened and to gloss it over with the local police, which sends his phone into nearly overheating with calls from Nick. He ignores all of them. 

He calls Victoria next and tells the same shitty lie he told the nurses and she arrives shortly after with a worried Diane. 

“Where has he been?” Diane asks, standing with Aaron outside Robert’s room. 

Aaron shrugs and it’s not actually a lie. 

“Well, I’m glad you were there,” she sighs and stares worriedly inside. “At least you’re always looking out for him.”

It doesn’t feel like it, Robert sedated and sleeping in a hospital room, and Aaron doesn’t even know who Robert is dealing with. It doesn’t feel like them. They’ve never kept things from each other and the moment they stopped it put Robert in a bad state. He feels guilty and it gnaws at him that he chose not to care. He could have prevented it. 

“He’s always getting himself into trouble, Diane,” he says. “I have to say stop otherwise it’ll drive me mad.”

She frowns worriedly. “No matter what, he wouldn’t want you to relapse. And that’s the truth, dear.”

She promises to stay with Robert and tells him that Andy is on his way, so Aaron drives to Emmerdale to drop off Stub. The backseat of a car is no place for her. 

“Where the hell have you been?” Chas says when he enters the pub to get a butty. He’s lucky he’s used to sleeping less than five hours a night, otherwise he would have crashed in Robert’s hospital room. 

She’s going to worry if she knows and she’s going to tell him to stay away. But he needs to tell her. It’s all about getting better, especially when he’s as worried as he is. He’s already taken more pills than he probably should and he needs to keep a clearer head. 

“Robert’s in hospital,” he whispers so none of the patrons hear. 

She frowns. “What did he do?”

“Why do you always automatically assume he’s done something?” he says annoyed. 

She snorts. “Because he’s always doing something! He’s dead bad news.”

“Stop, why don’t ya,” he says annoyed. “I’m heading back there in a bit. Can you walk Stub later?”

“Well, why don’t you get someone else to watch over loverboy?” she bites out. 

“Let’s not do this now,” he sighs and downs the rest of his pint. “I just wanted to tell you, all right. That’s what I’m supposed to do to get better.”

The fight leaves her and she looks almost grateful. “Let me come with you then,” she says, but Aaron shakes his head no. 

“Diane, Vic and Andy are there,” he says. “You know, people who actually care.”

“Don’t get smart, you cheeky sod,” Chas says and she gestures for him to come around for a hug behind the counter. He breathes in her familiar scent and she ruffles his hair goodbye. 

When he makes it to hospital, Diane tells him that the doctors have given Robert’s head the all-clear and a heavy dose of morphine, so he can sleep off the worst of the pain. He needs rest and sleep and at least another twenty-four hours before he can go back to Emmerdale. 

Vic has to go back to work and Andy’s off to Butler’s farm, leaving only Diane and Aaron to watch over him silently. He’s dead to the world and it’s weird seeing him this still when usually he’s animated, his very presence enough to fill up a room. It’s just a bit of bruising, though, Aaron’s done worse to himself and lived to tell the tale. 

Which is a terrible thing to think. 

Aaron backtracks and gets up to turn on the telly in the corner, desperate for something to still his mind and keep it from circulating worse thoughts. 

“You all right, Aaron?” Diane asks, looking up from her magazine. 

“Just my,” he admits and points to the general area of his brain. “It’s a bit jumbled up.”

“Are you sure it was just a mugging?” she says suspiciously. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he replies and it sounds fake to his own ears and they both look up when the door opens. 

“Hi,” Nick says from the doorway, looking official in a suit and long coat. He gives Aaron a tight professional nod and introduces himself as DI Hall. “Can I talk to you for a bit?”

Aaron closes his eyes and nods. 

They go into the hallway and closes the door to Robert’s room, so Diane can’t eavesdrop.

“Why haven’t you been answering my calls?” Nick asks. 

“Been a bit busy thinking of a thousand ways to throttle this Murphy bloke,” Aaron says, shrugging. “I can’t decide between a hammer or a nailgun.”

Nick gives him an unimpressed stare. 

“I drove all the way down to London to find him beaten to a bloody pulp,” Aaron continues. “My priorities went from having a good night’s sleep to wondering which lie was the most convincing to tell the hospital staff.”

“What do you want me to say?” Nick says. “He knew what he was getting himself into.”

“How can you live with that? How can that be good enough for you? He’s your best friend!” Aaron whispers to him angrily. 

“Why do you suddenly care all of a sudden? You haven’t for weeks,” Nick says flippantly and Aaron wants to smack him. 

“The game has changed,” he tells Nick. “If Robert goes back in I’m going with him, so you better give me everything he’s worked on or I know exactly who to go to, to blow it all up. Do you understand what I am saying?”

“No chance! I don’t know you that well and besides…” Nick says and it’s not until Aaron gets a clearer look at the bloke over by reception area that he interrupts him and pushes him into a nearby room. 

“Murphy’s here,” he tells Nick hurriedly and Nick keeps mum and stays in the room. 

Aaron pretends he hasn’t seen Murphy and casually wanders towards the coffee machine that’s located towards the reception. He can’t have Murphy anywhere near Robert – even if that means kicking up a fuzz. 

He needn’t have worried, because Murphy approaches him eventually and Aaron can’t for the life of him focus on anything other than Murphy’s bruised hands. 

“Come to finish the job?” Aaron says silently and Murphy cocks his head. 

He leans up against the coffee machine, arms crossed and head tilted to the side. “You were hard to find,” he says. 

“I wanted him away from you,” Aaron says honestly. “I realize now that I shouldn’t’ve stopped driving.”

“He proved himself, your Robert,” Murphy says. “I jumped to conclusions where I shouldn’t have done. In this line of business you understand we have to be extra careful.”

“Right,” Aaron says, dragging the word out. 

“Loyalty should be rewarded,” Murphy continues. “So, I’ve come to apologize and I hope to see you both down in London next week at the big opening. I hope none of it has affected our professional relationship.”

“I think we should let Robert decide that,” Aaron spits out. “If it was up to me, you wouldn’t have any teeth.”

“As I said, loyalty is rewarded,” Murphy says with a last smug smile before he turns around and leaves just as quickly as he came. 

Aaron stands stock still until he can’t see him anymore and desperately fights with himself to tamper down his anger and the urge to punch the smug grin off Murphy’s face. When he can finally see straight, he goes to get Nick from his hiding place and they make plans to meet later that day at the portacabin in Emmerdale so they can have enough privacy to discuss whatever Robert had been up to in the last couple of weeks. Nick needs to go by the local police to get some files and Aaron needs to make up some sort of excuse to Diane, so she won’t go about leaving Robert by himself. No one should wake up alone after an experience like that. 

\--

“Peter Murphy,” Nick starts out when Aaron has finally kicked Adam out and they’re alone in the portacabin. “He’s a forty-five year-old career criminal with a background in several foster homes and time spent in prison as well. He’s what you would call the brawns of the operation. It’s really Alfred Queen that runs their so-called enterprise.”

He shows Aaron pictures of Queen and Murphy while he talks. Queen is younger than Murphy and looks a lot more sure of himself. Murphy is fists first - talking later, while Queen has found a way to keep out of a lot of trouble while pulling large scams in the London areas. 

“Queen is the one we really want,” Nick continues. “If he crumbles, all of it crumbles. Unfortunately, he’s sniffed out both of our attempts at getting close, so we tried something else with Robert. He was to get close to Murphy instead who has lived most of his adult life as a closeted gay man. Robert’s informed me it’s only fairly recently that Murphy even came out to Queen and maybe even to himself.”

It makes sense, Aaron supposes, in a sort of sick way why Murphy would react to violently if he found out Robert had been lying about being gay. 

“You and I both know Robert isn’t entirely gay,” Nick says with a sort of resigned sigh. “But he’s been playing it up for Murphy to get him to trust him. It’s fairly impressive how quickly he got Murphy to play to his fiddle.”

“Until last night,” Aaron remarks and Nick nods. 

“But he’s back in and apparently so are you,” Nick says. “I think your criminal record will work in your favour for once.”

“It’s the family business and all,” Aaron says. 

He boots off Nick at a hotel in Hotten and goes back to see Robert at the hospital, relieving Diane and puts him in a unique position to just watch Robert as he sleeps. 

There were nights when Robert came crawling back after Chrissie found out that Aaron couldn’t believe he would ever share so much intimacy with someone. It was going to sleep together and waking up to a fresh pot of coffee or tea. He remembers thinking that there would never be anything that could make him chuck Robert back out – especially not after learning to live their lives together. 

He didn’t know it back then, but looking back, he can see symptoms of his depression with large exclamations marks around them. Waking up gasping and heaving was one of them. Could he ever let Robert back in like that? Would it drive him mad or would it be better because now they know how painful it is to be apart?

He feels pathetic because he knows who Robert is and he knows what he is going back to. But he can’t live without him either, needs his daily texts and his smug comments and his swarmy smiles. He wants to wake up to Robert’s bleary eyes and his stupid bed hair. He wants to be a unit that fights together and stays together despite any outside or inside forces trying to keep them apart. He wants Robert’s help to not need his pills and most importantly, he wants Robert to wake up and tell him what to do next. 

He falls asleep at some point and doesn’t wake until a nurse comes to wake Robert up for another examination. As soon as Robert is awake, his eyes fuse to Aaron’s and he turns his hand around, palm down, fingers opening. 

Aaron moves his chair closer and slides his left hand into Robert’s and the other to the nape of Robert’s neck, gently caressing the fine hairs there. 

Robert closes his eyes and sighs in contentment and Aaron smiles at the nurse who is giving them a jealous sigh. 

“To be young and in love, eh?” she remarks and gives them a five minute warning before the doctor comes in. 

Robert is allowed out a couple of hours later and Aaron helps him dress slowly, pulling a clean jumper over Robert’s head and hands through the sleeves while Robert hisses in pain. 

“What a role-reversal,” Robert remarks self-deprecatingly. 

“Stop whining,” Aaron tells him. 

Robert pouts, but places his hands around Aaron’s waist. He’s sitting on the bed, Aaron standing over him, and Aaron goes when Robert pulls him closer and places his forehead on Aaron’s chest, arms tightening. 

“I’m glad you came,” he whispers into Aaron’s jumper. 

Aaron doesn’t say anything because he knows it’s not what Robert wants. He just wants comfort like Aaron wanted comfort when Robert came and got him at the side of the road.

Robert greets Stub like an old friend when they’ve finally managed to make it into Aaron’s little Polo. Stub’s waiting for them in the backseat, tail wagging happily. The explicit and full love of a dog is a thousand times better than any human love and Robert has always had a particular soft spot for her. 

They drive back to Emmerdale in silence with only the radio for company and it's not until they reach the village that Aaron realises he can't just drop Robert off at Edna's like he doesn't care. 

Robert huffs out a laugh suddenly, startling Aaron from his conflicting thoughts. "You could just drop me off at Andy's, spare yourself the guilt trip. I'm sure he has a lovely sofa that doesn't have dents in it." 

"Shut it, mate," Aaron says and makes a left turn, parking behind the pub. 

Robert doesn't comment when Aaron leads him upstairs and into his bed, fluffing up pillows to put behind Robert's head. He just watches in silence. 

"I have to go check in at the scrapyard," Aaron says uneasily. "I'll tell Diane you're here." 

Robert nods and the bruises look even worse the day after. 

"We'll have a chat about this whole Murphy thing later," Aaron throws out and Robert's swollen eyes opens just a bit more in surprise. 

Aaron walks closer and hesitantly kisses Robert's forehead. He feels Robert sighing and he runs a hand through Robert's greasy hair. He'll have to help him shower later. 

He walks downstairs and runs into a stunned-looking Victoria. 

"Was that Robert I saw you taking upstairs?" She says. 

"Can we question the wisdom of my decision later?" he asks. "Just look out for him while I'm out." 

Victoria sighs exasperated. "If you're sure." 

"Right now I am," he says and leaves, Stub trailing behind him. 

They don't have the conversation until the next morning after Aaron's slept fitfully and when he finally found some peace, Robert kicked him awake with his nightmares. 

"I'm sorry," Robert says when Aaron's handed him some tea and they are sitting curled up together in the bed. 

"Suppose I know what sleeping with me feels like," Aaron says. 

He supposes Robert's tries to arrange his face into something like outrage, but it comes out as a sort of painful grimace. 

"Don't ever say that to me again," Robert says. "I'd rather have you in the same bed kicking and screaming than not at all." 

"That does say an awful lot about our relationship, doesn't it?" Aaron remarks sarcastically. 

"Aaron..." Robert says. 

"Sorry," Aaron grumbles. 

"You look healthier," Robert says and tries to sound optimistic. 

Aaron shrugs. Paddy had told him the same thing and he wonders if there is any truth to it. He's too used to watching the circles under his eyes and the issues he knows are lurking inside. He can't look at himself without seeing all the baggage. 

"I mean it," Robert says. 

He gives Robert a slight smile and takes another sip if his tea to avoid answering. Instead he counters with a question. "So, Murphy. Seems like a stand-up kind of fella. Have you been sleeping with him?" 

"What?" Robert says surprised. "Flirting at the most, but only in a business sense." 

"Great, even better. Flirting with someone for the coppers," Aaron says grumpily. 

"I didn't realise he could get that violent," Robert says and stares away from Aaron. "When he found out about Chrissie it was like a switch turned on or something and he did a complete one-eighty. I tried to tell him about you, about how all I really wanted was you and that in the end Chrissie wasn't enough." 

Aaron closes his eyes and imagines Robert fallen on the garage floor in London, trying to cover his face and abdomen from Murphy's senseless attack.

"I knew what I was getting myself into," Robert continues. "I've done it all before, the sweet-talking and the dirty deals to get Nick what he wants. I've never had anyone doubt the severity of what you mean to me, not since it all came out. It was such a weird thing for him to care about as well." 

"Rob -" Aaron says, but Robert interrupts him, 

"Let me say this, okay. While I sat there waiting for you, I kept thinking about all those times I said I loved you and how hollow it all must have sounded to you. Especially because your mind was busy playing tricks on you." 

"I heard all of it, Robert," Aaron assures him. 

"Maybe but how did you believe me?" Robert asks and his voice is wrecked and he has a tight grip on Aaron's left hand. "I told you I had changed, but as soon as you weren't there I was playing tricks on other people." 

"Because of this here, right now in this moment," Aaron says and leans over to put down his cup. He turns around and puts his full attention on Robert. "You trusted me enough to tell me this and that's how I know you love me." 

"I can't believe that it's that easy," Robert says sadly. "There must be more to it than that." 

"You do bad things, but you always go out of your way for me," Aaron says. "Like with Stub." 

He can see that Robert is fighting to believe him and he really believes that whatever Murphy did to him or said to him must have made a profound impression on him. Robert only thinks when he's put in extremes, when he is forced to consider the life before him and the choices he made to get there. 

"But no matter what we feel, we still need to talk this Murphy thing through." 

\--

Robert isn't having any of it.

Aaron supposes he should have seen it coming, but instead finds himself surprised that Robert point blank refuses his help. Robert even gets up from the bed, which has Aaron even more livid and sets his temper right off. 

They are shouting at each other in the living room downstairs when Chas and Diane appear in the doorway. 

"It's just business!" Robert shouts angrily. 

"And I don't get a say in how you earn money for my business?" Aaron shouts back. 

"You shouldn't have been involved in the first place." 

"I am now so you better get used to it!" 

"No chance!" 

"I am not giving you a choice." 

"Well, I'm not giving you a choice either." 

"Stop it, the both of you!" Chas shouts and stuns them both into silence. "The whole pub can hear you. And good God, Robert, what's happened to your face?" 

"It's nothing you need to be concerned about," Robert says dismissively and turns his attention back to Aaron. 

"It is if you're shouting down the place," Chas says sharply. 

"Mum," Aaron says and tries to convey on his face that he's got it. She doesn't look less concerned. 

"Just take care of yourself," Diane says pointedly. Just like Aaron, she has learned that Robert will do exactly as he wants, damned who gets caught in the crossfire. She's learned to stop asking questions.

Aaron hasn't learned to not ask questions and now he's landed himself in another situation he might not be able to handle. But the thought of leaving Robert to handle Murphy on his own doesn't seem all that appealing either. 

"We're doing this together or not at all," he states and tries to convey his best stubborn expression. 

One of Robert's eyes is an alarming shade of red, which makes the stare he sends Aaron a bit macabre. But Aaron understands that he's annoyed and that he wants to bring up things in the past that he can't with both Chas and Diane staring at them. 

"You drive me mad, Aaron," Robert sighs and that's that decided. 

They spend the next three days in a sort of suspended tense situation where Robert moans about how much pain he is in, Aaron playing annoyed nursemaid and Chas and Paddy alternating between telling Aaron he's getting involved in things he shouldn't. It still doesn't change his mind. 

Nick's gone back to London to get the lay of the land down there after vividly expressing to Aaron the importance of what Robert is doing. 

"I've spent my entire life on both sides of the law," Aaron told him over the phone while Robert took a shower. "I know the stakes." 

It's not until the fourth day that Robert reluctantly faces the situation and they start making preparations to go down to London and face whatever Murphy and Queen have in store for him. 

Ross has agreed to take over most of Aaron's work while he's away and as a goodwill gesture towards the Whites, Aaron and Adam both agree to let Psycho Lachlan do a bit of work at the scrapyard, trying to mend some of the bridges he spectacularly burned.

“I can’t tell you how grateful I am,” Chrissie says when she stops Aaron outside the pub.

“It’s no big deal,” he tells her uncomfortable. 

“It is a big deal,” she says determined. “Lachlan is just a kid. He needs some good influences and a bit of guidance.”

Aaron thinks that’s the least he needs, but instead of speaking up about things he shouldn’t, he looks over her shoulder briefly and sees Robert staring at them suspiciously in the doorway. His face has turned a complex shade of purple and yellow in the days since London. His eyes are circled black, yet he can still convey worry in a way that Aaron picks up on easily. 

Chrissie sees his distraction and turns around to follow his eyesight. “God, your face!” she tells Robert, who looks a bit terrified to have Chrissie’s attention on him. 

Robert walks over cautiously. “It looks worse than it is,” he says. 

“Right, like you haven’t stopped whining for the last four days,” Aaron remarks dryly. 

“I have not,” Robert defends himself offended. 

Aaron snorts and rolls his eyes at Chrissie, who in return gives him a knowing smile. 

“Are you back together?” she asks with a mischievous look in her eyes. 

Something must have changed for Chrissie since speaking to Aaron in Hotten. She’s not as intense as she used to be, which Aaron and probably Robert are really glad for. She asks about things, sometimes concerning Robert, sometimes concerning Aaron like they are old friends. Aaron sort of treasures her in a special way, knowing what exactly she’s like when she’s not your friend. 

“It’s complicated,” Aaron says. 

She sighs. “Yes, I suppose it is.”

“Why are you being friendly?” Robert asks, because he hasn’t been around while Chrissie, Lawrence and Aaron mended bridges. 

“I’m taking the higher ground,” she says with that smile of hers, the confident one that makes her eyes sparkle in the right way. “Besides, I like Aaron.”

“Yeah,” Robert says. “Me too.”

There is a sort of intimacy between them that Aaron will never be a part of, no matter how much Robert used her in his games. Robert respects her and Aaron honestly suspects that he would have been perfectly happy with her in the long run if Aaron hadn’t gotten in the way. 

“Should we go?” Aaron asks and tips back and forward on his tip-toes. 

Robert squints at the sun and sighs. “If we must.’

“Give us a call when you get back,” Chrissie says and waves them a goodbye when Aaron drives out of the lot. 

\--

Alfred Queen owns a car shop in Chelsea. It’s large and has several high-end cars on display on the regular. Tonight, the cars sparkle and the waiters milling around the guests are in all-black and butterflies. Everything appears to be perfect down to the tiniest detail. 

Aaron’s throat is itching and he keeps fidgeting with the cuffs on his white button-up. He feels like a slag beside Robert in his perfectly suited perfection. If his face hadn’t looked like it had been mauled, Aaron might have slapped him for how completely at ease he seems to be. It’s all a game, of course. Robert is brewing hot, planning, and his eyes roam cunningly through the guests looking for their usefulness. He might have pretended not to be doing anything while he was laid up in bed, but Aaron knows better. 

Murphy approaches them quickly, handing them champagne flutes and a fake pleasant attitude. 

Aaron sees Robert flinch when Murphy touches his shoulder and he has to clench his hands to not cause a scene. 

“I see you brought your guard dog,” Murphy says and he doesn’t pretend to be Aaron’s friend. 

“I’ll take that apology to my face next time, Peter,” Robert says and his tone is icy. 

Murphy looks a bit shiftily at Robert, but leads them to a back room where his blond-haired business partner is waiting.

Queen offers them to sit down in two chairs in front of his desk. One of his thugs serves them a pint instead of the silly flutes and Aaron swallows about half of his. His throat feels a bit dry.

“I’d like to formally extend an apology for the behaviour of my partner,” Queen says with a characteristic Welsh accent. “He acted appallingly and completely irrationally towards someone I would call an ally. You have been very good to our business, Mr. Sugden.”

“Thank you, sir,” Robert says formally.

“I hope you can forgive and forget and that you will continue to show loyalty towards us,” Queen says, leaning forward in his chair. 

“Forgiveness is a matter of principle, Mr. Queen. But I would be inclined to forget with the right incentive of course,” Robert says and Aaron suddenly realizes that he’s in love with an honest to god businessman. A businessman who deals in formalities, suits and drinking champagne while making dull small-talk. What a world apart from Aaron’s greasy and dirty blue-collar work with his black fingernails and scratchy fingers. 

“You told me you like cars, especially a certain Audi,” Murphy steps forward and says, dropping a set of keys in front of Robert. 

“And for Mr. Livesy who had to come and prove my legitimacy?” Robert says, not even touching the car keys. 

“I suppose I can find things to scrap,” Queen says. “I did a bit of business with a certain Charity Dingle. I don’t suppose you know her?’ he asks Aaron. 

“She’s family,” he tells Queen. 

“Whatever happened to her?” 

“She got sent down,” Aaron says. “Obstruction of justice.”

“That does sound like her,” Queen says with a bit of a fond smile. 

Aaron spares a brief moment wondering how exactly Charity got in touch with a big player like Queen, but then thinks better of it. She’s better off in prison where she can’t make trouble for anyone, especially not him. 

“I am glad to have you on board,” Queen says and that ends the conversation. 

Murphy tells them to return to the party and Robert spends the rest of the evening sweet-talking possible investors while Aaron tries to act interested. He wanders off after a while, too tired of Robert’s endless spiels and negotiation tactics. He feels a bit more at ease then when he entered, but he would still rather stay in Robert’s terribly small one-bedroom with Stub than wearing all this fancy-pansy get-up. 

He finds himself studying an Ashton Martin up-close when he sees Murphy maneuvering himself closer. 

“What do you want?” he asks annoyed. 

“Robert told me you are gay and depressed,” Murphy says wonderingly. “I don’t suppose they are one and the same thing?”

“What?” 

Murphy rolls his eyes annoyed. “You’re not depressed because you’re gay, are you?”

“That’s a bit personal, don’t you think?” Aaron says angrily. 

Murphy shrugs and he doesn’t seem to be the least bit sorry. 

Aaron gives him a long stare and remembers both Robert and Nick telling him that all of it is because they need to get closer to Queen. Murphy is the way. 

“I was,” he admits reluctantly. 

“So you’re not depressed anymore?” 

Aaron fights the urge to throttle him for being so insensitive. If the conversation had taken place just a few weeks prior, he would have acted with a lot less sense and a lot more thoughts telling him Murphy thought he was a worthless waste of space. He fights those thoughts, though, and looks Murphy straight in the eyes. 

“I have a depression because of several factors,” he says calmly. “Fancying blokes isn’t one of them anymore.”

Murphy contemplates him. “Are you sure?”

“Very sure.”

“Can I see you kiss Robert in front of people?” he asks dead serious. 

“Don’t be weird,” Aaron says, grimacing. “Piss off.”

Murphy rolls his eyes, but scampers off to annoy someone else. 

“Murphy is a psycho and well weird,” Aaron tells Robert when they are on their way back to the one-bedroom in a nearly empty Tube car. 

Robert snorts, leaning his head backwards against the windows with closed eyes. “Did he ask you to kiss some bloke in public?” he asks amused. 

“As I said, dead weird,” Aaron says. 

Robert opens his eyes and slings an arm around Aaron’s shoulders, pulling him close and leaning his cheek against Aaron’s hair. Aaron crosses his arms and leans into the comfort. He isn’t big on public displays of affection. But who is going to judge them at two in the morning when the only people there is a young couple necking three rows over. 

He leans up to kiss Robert and doesn’t overthink it. Robert’s lips are unresponsive at first, but it doesn’t take him long before he’s leaning into it, arm tightening around Aaron’s shoulder and the other running up his neck to rest on his cheek.

Aaron huffs in a breath and relaxes his own arms, fisting his fingers in Robert’s lapels and pulling him closer. He enjoys the very sensation of it, the soft slide of lips, the feeling in his chest and the thumb caressing his beard. It feels nothing like kissing Nick or even like kissing Robert at the petrol station. There is no guilt, no remorse or no voice in the back of his head telling him he doesn’t deserve to feel anything. It’s just him and Robert in the Tube kissing and it’s the best he’s felt in a long time. 

Everything feels intense when they get to the room, hands brushing as they discard clothes and eyes fused together, unable to look away. Aaron feels the trail of Robert’s hand everywhere and moans with every kiss. 

The last time they had been like this, Aaron had cried because he hated himself and because he couldn’t help himself. He had craved Robert’s attention even as he despised having it. He remembers the gut-wrenching feeling of knowing that Robert was better off without him, would probably be happier. 

None of it was real and seeing Robert hovering over him tonight, Aaron knows without a doubt that it was all in his head, that even though they might have needed time apart, Robert will never think that he is better off without Aaron. With the new knowledge, Aaron pulls Robert closer and they rediscover why they kept coming back to each other in the first place. 

He wakes the next morning to find Robert coming in after having walked Stub, fresh cups of coffee in one hand. He scoots Aaron’s legs and hands him one of the cups. Aaron studies the tip of his nose, red from the morning winds, and wonders if he will ever be able leave if Robert doesn’t understand that he has to change. 

“Queen called,” Robert says while he grabs Aaron’s free hand and just holds it. “He’s got a legit job for you while you’re in London. Another goodwill present.”

“Sound,” Aaron says. “Too bad we’re screwing him over.”

“Well, it’s part of it,” Robert says with a shrug. 

It takes ten days of Robert scheming, planning and working while Aaron occupies his time with Queen and Murphy’s special car collection before they can strike. When they finally sit with the ace in front of them, Robert contemplating pressing the call button on his phone, Aaron hesitates. 

“What will happen when they find out?” he says. 

“We lay low, keep on the straight and narrow until Queen has forgotten,” Robert says and pulls his hand away from Nick’s number. 

“Queen knows my family,” Aaron says. “Murphy found you in Hotten. What are they going to do if they find out we have this?” He places his hand over the USB on the table in front of them. “The way I see this, it’s security.” 

Robert gives him a hard stare. “What are you saying?”

"What's going to happen the next time you do something Murphy doesn't like? Or they find out we both know DI Hall?" Aaron says and he can't believe the words are coming out of his mouth. 

"Are you suggesting we use it as insurance?" 

Aaron closes his eyes. "If there is anything knowing you has taught me, is that you should always have that extra ace in the back of your hand." 

"This means screwing over Nick," Robert says and he doesn't sound averse to the idea, which is why Aaron suggested it in the first place. 

"You're not a copper and neither am I," he says. "Nick can't arrest you for something you haven't done." 

"We go to Queen instead," Robert says and Aaron knew he would understand. 

Robert takes the USB and holds it in his hand while he gazes both at the USB and Aaron. He's calculating, working out the pros and cons to his own advantage. 

Aaron remembers how Robert played Aaron's own insecurities to his own advantage, how it got Aaron to play along nicely. As a recipient of it he's actually fairly confident that Robert knows what must be done. The difference back then and now is that Robert isn't just saving himself. 

"Nick is right about something," Robert says confidently. 

"What?" 

"Murphy is the weak link." 

\--

It takes Nick a week to work out. 

Robert has never been busier, driving to and from Leeds daily, making sure the new business finds clientele and work. Aaron is proud of how he handles his proper return to the village. He hasn't changed, but he doesn't seem to actively seek out conflict. It actually seems like his new work stimulates him in a way working at Home Farm never did. Maybe it's because it's a bit shady and makes him walk a voluntary line between right and wrong that only him working with Nick has given him before. 

He's exhausted when he meets Aaron at the Woolie, giving his thigh a squeeze under the table and trading friendly jabs with Ross. 

Aaron grins at him and offers him a chip that he accepts. "How was work, dear?" 

"Good," Robert says grinning back in return and accepts the beer Diane brings him. 

"I'm really proud of you," Diane tells him. "Becoming managing partner in Chariot Autos is a big thing." 

Robert of course does a lot more than manage cars in the greater Leeds and Manchester area, but his stepmom doesn't need all the details. Aaron stays out of it, doesn't ask about it and buys out Robert from the scrapyard, finally keeping their personal and professional lives completely separate. It's better that way. 

He's back at a psychologist as well, driving down with Robert to Leeds once a week. They've got the money for a proper one now, one of those that are ridiculously overpriced, but has a degree from some fancy university in America. Robert waits for him in the waiting room, waiting with his disgraceful gossip mags and small prints on contracts. 

Aaron is just about to order another pint, standing by the bar when the door is slammed open and Nick storms in with a furious expression. He sees Aaron first and pushes him against the bar. 

"What have you done," Nick grits out between his teeth. 

Aaron pulls up his arms in an attempt to appear like he doesn't know what he's talking about. 

"You've blown the whole operation! Do you know how much trouble I'm in?" Nick shouts and the pub quiets. 

"Who the hell are you?" Chas spits, hands on her hips. 

"Leave Aaron out of this," Robert says, standing up and facing Nick head on. 

"I could smell Queen behind bars. I could actually picture it in my head," Nick rages and walks into Robert's personal space, which is quite a sight since Robert towers over him by a lot. "One word from flaming Aaron and it's all washes down the drain. Queen walks and suddenly I've got word from Manchester that he got a new business partner heading up a new office." 

"Did you now," Robert comments casually, which sets off Nick even more. 

"I got you a job when you didn't have a place to stay, a place to sleep when your wife threw you out and even listened when you sung Aaron's praises to keep him out of prison. All I did was demand a little bit of loyalty in return," Nick shouts, and Aaron can see that Robert actually feels bad. 

"You sent me to seduce some mob wife and told me to come back with results. I don't know if I should be ashamed or disgusted," Robert fights back though, because throwing insults at him is like running into a brick wall - more likely to hurt yourself not the wall. "Now if I could get you to listen for two seconds..." 

"I'll tell him, you know, I'll tell Queen that you've been working for the police to bring him down," Nick says. 

"Queen already knows, Nick," Aaron says and Nick whips his head around to stare at him shocked. 

"Our silence in exchange for Murphy," Robert says and dangles a different USB in front of Nick. "Queen only asks that you put Murphy away for life in Wolverhampton. He says that the only man Murphy ever loved has been locked up there for the last ten years." 

"Putting Murphy away doesn't change anything," Nick says. "Queen is the brains. That was the whole bloody point." 

"Maybe, but he pays me more than you can," Robert says. "In the end that was the whole point in hiring me in the first place." 

"Money is money no matter where it comes from," Nick says, echoing something that Aaron heard Robert say one day in the woods. "I can't believe it.

"For what it's worth," Robert says, voice lazed with regret. "I didn't want it to end this way. But it's not just me who gets caught in the crossfires anymore." 

Nick spares a look at Aaron who looks guiltily down at his feet. He understands why both Robert and Nick are finding it difficult. That many years and shared experiences amounts to something special and Aaron can't hope to understand half of it - especially not two young lads, mates from school, who can end up on such startlingly different ends of the spectrum. 

Nick takes the USB and steps back from Robert. "I loved you once," he tells him. "So I will give you this curtesy. But remember that I'll come back and I'll know exactly how far you two are willing to go for each other. You can't keep your secrets forever." 

Aaron swallows and watches Nick leave the pub with a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Nick couldn't possibly know... Could he?

"What on Earth has been going on?" Diane asks. "Aaron, you told me Robert got mugged? That was the DI that came to question you at the hospital." 

"It's all fine," Robert reassures her. "We've sorted it." 

"Aaron shouldn't have been sorting anything," Chas remarks snarkily. "What are you mixed up in now?" 

"It's fine," Aaron says. "It's better this way, trust me." 

She gives him a hard stare and he tries to look look as confident as he feels. 

It is better this way. Maybe it doesn't solve anything, but it won't have Queen destroying his entire family like Queen briefly entertained when they came to him. They sat side by side, together like they should and as a united front, and spoke to the always reasonable Queen. Aaron's family name and Robert's own reputation saved them that night and for that Aaron doesn't regret not going to Nick the second they found enough evidence to destroy both Queen and Murphy. 

In the end, it doesn't even feel like Aaron has solved anything at all, except finding peace in his everyday life. He still doesn't sleep properly and he still has days where he stands in front of the mirror and tries to find anything positive about himself. He loves Robert, but he is still not sure he can trust Robert to not put him in a position where he could relapse again. It's a double-edged sword because he's content in a way. 

He's got his dog, his lovely dog, whose adoring eyes lifts his spirit on his worst days. 

He's got his mates - Adam, Vic, Ross... Even Finn sticks around for beers now. 

He's got Paddy and Chas and their unfailing love. 

It's impressive to think that when Robert came and got him and Adam from London, he could barely see through to the next day. He slept alone and felt grateful when he woke up and he wasn't shouting the house down. He was just existing and trying to stop finding excuses for why he should even stick around at all. He wants to actively try to find that person who got back from France and felt hopeful because he didn't feel alone anymore. 

"I haven't got Aaron mixed up in anything and I have no intention of doing so," he hears Robert tell his mum. 

"You better prove that," Chas says and even she sounds tired of saying the same thing over and over again. "I have to trust my son, don't I?" 

"Robert will treat us to a fancy dinner in Manchester," Aaron says and bumps into Robert who snakes an arm around Aaron's waist. "We're celebrating." 

Robert and Chas both look at him like he's grown a second head and he rolls his eyes. 

"Life," he explains. "I'm celebrating life." 

\--

 

Finish

**Author's Note:**

> for afterwork notes and the inspiration for the story i recommend you check out my tumblr in the beginning of the coming week.


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